Saturday, April 30, 2011

So Yeah

Well, it's been a week off and I've nothing to show for it, so don't get excited you two (I just assume there's more than one of you and three seemed like a long-shot).

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sub 1,000

I'm 22 and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything.

I feel like I should have told my heart to hold its tongue and gone where the money was, where the hours were, where something that wasn't this thrived. I'm having conversations with myself, looking in the mirror and telling my reflection, "I didn't want this, I didn't want to be this age in this situation, I never saw my dreams coming true in a place like this. I want out."

Thursday, April 21, 2011


This post will be short because I have a date with HP1 and a washing machine.

I need to do laundry again, not so badly that I'll have to wear Jason's clothes to do it, but badly enough that I feel bad for not having begun at 10:30 when I was supposed to. I really should be off.

Yesterday, all I wanted was ice cream and to cry and lay down and hug somebody. Most of that didn't happen. Neither did exercise. I don't really care to go into it because, to me, unbalanced hormones are something I'm a little ashamed of not being able to control. The fact that yesterday's fight with them got out of hand is embarrassing and I really only tolerate the fluctuations because, one day, I'd like to have kids. So... yeah.

In other news, I'm a homesick, batty Texan who is trying to cope with a lot of things, a good deal of which are all in my head.

Jason works tonight, so hopefully after doing laundry, I'll have time to exercise and not eat horribly and stop hating myself a little.

On the upside, the people at Crayola are amazing and wonderful human beings and are sending me a coupon for markers because I was sad when I didn't get black or brown with my Color Wonder Disney Princesses package so I couldn't color in Jasmine or Belle or Snow White. And yes, I color to relieve tension and momentary instability. But now I'll be able to fill in my pages with all the colors of the wind.

Best to you all,

Monday, April 18, 2011

And in all that-

I forgot to mention why I have cocoa powder in my hair. Ha, my apologies.

Some time ago, I read that women often used cornstarch in their hair as an impromptu dry shampoo. Clean, natural, easily washed out and cheap as dirt (actually, cheaper if we're talking "buyin' dirt"), I'm all about that! However, I'm a deep brunette, so white cornstarch is clearly not a good option for me. Instead, when I have those days where my hair looks great and shiny and healthy from about my ears down, but not so much at the crown of my head, and it would be just a shame to wash all that away, I take a light dusting of cocoa powder on my hands and scrunch it into my crown area, and wherever things feel or look a bit greasy instead of touched with healthy shine. It does wonders for soaking up that light sheen of oil that otherwise clean hair can show, gives me wonderful volume, and I smell like chocolate. It can be a bit messy though, so if you try it, be careful about your clothes, fabrics and carpeting around you, and any white surfaces. Above all, go easy on the powder, you don't need much to make it work.

About that...

It's been a weird week.

Like, boyfriend had sudden days off from work, got called in to work 1 1/2 times, totally forgot that I was exercising, sent someone packing material as a gift, painted my nails like eight times, created an absurd amount of dishes to be done weird. Hence not posting on Friday and attempting to do it yesterday and failing until today, the regularly scheduled date of a post which is now both making up for a missed post and serving as its own entity... and there's cocoa powder in my hair.

Let's begin at the beginning, shall we?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wrong Side of the Bed

Today, when I woke up, the first thing I did was snap at my boyfriend.

He didn't do anything. Actually, that was kind of the issue; I rarely sleep well past about 3 a.m., so when he gets up before 7 and the alarm on his phone hasn't woken me up (mind, it goes off an average of three times before he actually gets out of bed), and I'm asleep (but aware of the fact that It's Past 7 and I'm Asleep!!!), and then his alarm clock goes off? At 7? When I'm still sleeping like a baby after 6:45 for quite possible the first time in three weeks? I get upset. I get "It's a switch, sweetheart," "I was coming to-" "I know. Just turn it off when you leave the room" upset, which for me, is not pretty. I don't yell, I don't scream when I get mad, I stay relatively calm and my voice turns into gravel laced with razor wire and arsenic. It was my defense against turning into my mother, who liked to scream. A lot.

Still, it's rather unpleasant. I learned when I was small that the way I talked to people conveyed my message more effectively than what I actually said, and I developed ways of talking to people to convey my feelings that I haven't grown out of, they're just reflex now. So when I say something as innocuous as, "just turn it off when you leave the room," it's easy to hear, "Turn it off when you leave the room or your golf clubs get thrown into traffic." It's not the message I want to get across, but it's the one people hear. For that I apologize.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Pain, Pain, Go Away...

Or, if you like, stick around.

I did it! This Saturday, I got off my ass and exercised. It wasn't too much, but it was enough to make me sweat, tire me out, and leave me sore for going on three days. And you know what else? I did more this morning! I got up and had breakfast, chilled out for an hour, and did an hour of yoga. It wasn't awfully intense, or at least it didn't feel that way at the time, but it definitely helped relieve some of the soreness from Saturday. I'm probably going to do more yoga later today, using Yoga with Bob (aka The Biggest Loser: Yoga, isn't my name way better?) and paying most of my attention to the stretching and balance poses as opposed to the resistance and strengthening poses. I want to go full throttle back into exercising, and I'm going to do to give this all I can, but what I accomplished on Saturday taught me something that I'll be keeping in mind for awhile-